My 5 yr old son has been ... "displaying his independence" lately. So the other night I told him to go pick up the toys he left scattered in the living room. He looked at me defiantly and did not budge from his stance in the kitchen. In fact, he basically stared at me to see what I was going to do next. Clearly this was a test of wills going on - a battle of epic proportions you might even say. I repeated the instruction more firmly. Again, no action from him. Finally I asked "Are you not going to do what I tell you?" my voice beginning to get the irritated-mom ring to it. This would normally be a warning to him that he better get his butt in gear before he gets his butt swatted. His response floored me into complete shock. "What are you going to do, fire me?" he retorted, with a bit of that smirk he's come to perfect.
I seriously didn't know whether to be angry or fall out with laughter. I mean, I have no clue where this came from. Never once have we had discussions about people being fired/losing their jobs/etc. I know he is very perceptive and picks up a lot from conversations he hears around him, but this was completely out in left field. I was actually somewhat impressed with his correct usage of the term in the proper context of the situation. Of course, I didn't let him know that at the time.
When I responded with "Fire you? No, I'm not going to fire you," he finally got the drift that he was skating on thin ice. He laughed heartily. "I'm just kidding, mama. It was a joke." Then he trundled off to pick up his toys.
As soon as the coast was clear, I rushed to share the story with my husband. We both had a good laugh about it and shook our heads in wonder.
I know this is just a glimpse of what my future holds with my son. He's always been a "negotiator". He's very intelligent and understands concepts quickly and knows how to apply past practice to a future scenario. If you try to change the "rules" on him, he'll call you on it every time. For example, while driving in the car one night several months ago he asked if we could get some candy at the store. My husband and I both responded "Maybe" and "We'll see". When we didn't end up getting candy, Jackson broke down in tears. We asked him why he was crying and he responded that we didn't get candy. My husband reminded him that we didn't say we were getting candy. To which Jack replied that we said "maybe" and "maybe" always meant yes before. Upon thinking about that statement, my husband and I acknowledged to each other that Jack was right in his observation. We were changing the rule that we had inadvertently created by always turning "maybe" into "yes". Needless to say, we are much more careful now. And this is just one of many many situations where he has remember a conversation/concept/situation/etc and correctly used that information to address some action he was currently facing and address it in a way that seems well above a 5 year old emotional/intellectual maturity level.
I'm eager and a bit apprehensive to see what my teenage boy will level at me during our conversational sparring matches.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
No one's going to punch my kid! Right?
So, for my first blog post, I decided to write about something that recently occurred involving my 5 year old son, Jackson, and a school mate. First, let me begin by saying I am an involved parent of a five year old boy (Jackson) and a 2 year old girl (Grace). I like to know what’s going on at school. I like to know who my children play with and I like to know that my children behave appropriately. I also like to know that when some “wrong” thing happens, I can trust that the teachers at their school will address this issue swiftly. Now, that being said, I’m not one of those parents who second-guesses everything the teachers decide, nor to do I get all bothered and flustered when someone doesn’t want to be friends with my kid. That’s life and that’s growing up. Kids have to figure these things out on their own sometimes and learn how to adapt and socialize.
But, I will confess, the incident I alluded to above, did most assuredly bother me. Not only was I bothered, I was hot and bothered. Here’s what went down (and I am relaying the following events from my son’s description, but he has never lied about anything like this before and, in fact, isn’t prone to making up stories about these types of things):
Jackson goes to school. One of his (current) close friends who is also 5 years old, I’ll call him “Jimmy”, hands him a picture. This picture is of Jackson with a circle/slash over Jackson’s face. Jimmy tells Jackson, “I’m not your friend anymore. That picture means I’m not your friend. And you have to keep that picture. You can’t throw that picture away.”
Jackson has a lot of friends that he interacts with at school, but Jimmy seemed to be close to the top of the list – at least for the last few weeks. But, surprisingly to me, this whole “I’m not your friend” thing didn’t seem to bother Jackson that much. Jackson said, “No thank you. I don’t want your picture.” And threw the picture in the trash. (Side Note: My children attend a Montessori school. The phrase “No thank you” is engrained into the children as a way of letting someone know that you don’t want/like what they are doing. It’s a politeness thing.)
Now, if this had been the end of the incident, I would’ve forgotten about it and moved on. Like I said before, kids are kids and this kind of thing happens all the time. You don’t want to be my friend? Fine, I’ll play with someone else today. It’s what happened next that caught me off guard and put my mother-bear senses on high alert.
Jimmy saw Jackson throw the picture away. His response to Jack’s disregard was the bold and very clear statement, “You threw the picture way, now I’m going to punch Gracie in the face.” Let me rephrase that a little differently for you. This 5 year old male child threatened to “PUNCH” a 2 year old female child “IN THE FACE”. A child that had nothing to do with anything that was going on at the time. Now, let me continue by telling you that Jimmy and Grace are not in the same class, they do not interact together, and the only time they've really been around each other was when Jimmy and his father met me and my family at the park one time.
So, why would Jimmy make the threat to Jackson’s little sister and not to Jackson directly? I mean, to me, it seems more logical and reasonable for a child of that age to directly threaten the other child standing right there in front of him. It worries me that this child can have the brain capacity to realize that by hurting someone that Jackson loves, he may hurt Jackson even more. Then I think to myself, I’ve got to be over-analyzing this, right? I mean a 5 year old can’t be that cruel and devious, can he?
It really began to upset me. This can’t be “normal” behavior. Is there something really wrong with him? Is he emotionally damaged some how? Will he act out in other ways when he gets older? Then, more selfishly, I sure hope he won’t be going to the same elementary school as Jackson.
Of course, both my husband and I spoke with the teacher and with the school director who both assured us that they would talk to Jimmy right away. I followed up with the teacher wanting to know how the situation was handled. They were very tight-lipped about what was specifically said and how the child responded. Okay, I can accept that. But they never mentioned if they spoke with Jimmy’s parents. God, I hope and pray they spoke with Jimmy’s parents. I mean, this behavior is kind of scary, right?
My suspicions were slightly confirmed when the teacher did agree with me that Jimmy’s statement about punching Grace was disturbing. “Disturbing.” This is exactly right. I was and still am disturbed by this. The teacher spoke to Jimmy and explained to him that if he continued to treat his friends this way, people would not want to be friends with him. (This information gave me pause and got me wondering if similar “incidents” had previously occurred.) I know that Jimmy once brought a pocket knife to school, but he didn’t threaten anyone with it. He played buried treasure with my son and they were pirates. But, of course, we made sure we let the school know about the pocket knife (they had found it before we mentioned it).
The school wants Jimmy to make amends with Jackson by apologizing to him. They are waiting for him to do it on his own, but may push the situation. Now, I don’t agree with forced apologies because we all know they’re not sincere. But, as adults, we often find ourselves doing this with children if only to get them to at least talk to each other. If Jimmy doesn’t apologize, it won’t bother me because maybe that will mean that Jimmy and Jackson won’t be friends. And if Jackson chooses to never play with Jimmy again, that won’t bother me one bit either.
But, I will confess, the incident I alluded to above, did most assuredly bother me. Not only was I bothered, I was hot and bothered. Here’s what went down (and I am relaying the following events from my son’s description, but he has never lied about anything like this before and, in fact, isn’t prone to making up stories about these types of things):
Jackson goes to school. One of his (current) close friends who is also 5 years old, I’ll call him “Jimmy”, hands him a picture. This picture is of Jackson with a circle/slash over Jackson’s face. Jimmy tells Jackson, “I’m not your friend anymore. That picture means I’m not your friend. And you have to keep that picture. You can’t throw that picture away.”
Jackson has a lot of friends that he interacts with at school, but Jimmy seemed to be close to the top of the list – at least for the last few weeks. But, surprisingly to me, this whole “I’m not your friend” thing didn’t seem to bother Jackson that much. Jackson said, “No thank you. I don’t want your picture.” And threw the picture in the trash. (Side Note: My children attend a Montessori school. The phrase “No thank you” is engrained into the children as a way of letting someone know that you don’t want/like what they are doing. It’s a politeness thing.)
Now, if this had been the end of the incident, I would’ve forgotten about it and moved on. Like I said before, kids are kids and this kind of thing happens all the time. You don’t want to be my friend? Fine, I’ll play with someone else today. It’s what happened next that caught me off guard and put my mother-bear senses on high alert.
Jimmy saw Jackson throw the picture away. His response to Jack’s disregard was the bold and very clear statement, “You threw the picture way, now I’m going to punch Gracie in the face.” Let me rephrase that a little differently for you. This 5 year old male child threatened to “PUNCH” a 2 year old female child “IN THE FACE”. A child that had nothing to do with anything that was going on at the time. Now, let me continue by telling you that Jimmy and Grace are not in the same class, they do not interact together, and the only time they've really been around each other was when Jimmy and his father met me and my family at the park one time.
So, why would Jimmy make the threat to Jackson’s little sister and not to Jackson directly? I mean, to me, it seems more logical and reasonable for a child of that age to directly threaten the other child standing right there in front of him. It worries me that this child can have the brain capacity to realize that by hurting someone that Jackson loves, he may hurt Jackson even more. Then I think to myself, I’ve got to be over-analyzing this, right? I mean a 5 year old can’t be that cruel and devious, can he?
It really began to upset me. This can’t be “normal” behavior. Is there something really wrong with him? Is he emotionally damaged some how? Will he act out in other ways when he gets older? Then, more selfishly, I sure hope he won’t be going to the same elementary school as Jackson.
Of course, both my husband and I spoke with the teacher and with the school director who both assured us that they would talk to Jimmy right away. I followed up with the teacher wanting to know how the situation was handled. They were very tight-lipped about what was specifically said and how the child responded. Okay, I can accept that. But they never mentioned if they spoke with Jimmy’s parents. God, I hope and pray they spoke with Jimmy’s parents. I mean, this behavior is kind of scary, right?
My suspicions were slightly confirmed when the teacher did agree with me that Jimmy’s statement about punching Grace was disturbing. “Disturbing.” This is exactly right. I was and still am disturbed by this. The teacher spoke to Jimmy and explained to him that if he continued to treat his friends this way, people would not want to be friends with him. (This information gave me pause and got me wondering if similar “incidents” had previously occurred.) I know that Jimmy once brought a pocket knife to school, but he didn’t threaten anyone with it. He played buried treasure with my son and they were pirates. But, of course, we made sure we let the school know about the pocket knife (they had found it before we mentioned it).
The school wants Jimmy to make amends with Jackson by apologizing to him. They are waiting for him to do it on his own, but may push the situation. Now, I don’t agree with forced apologies because we all know they’re not sincere. But, as adults, we often find ourselves doing this with children if only to get them to at least talk to each other. If Jimmy doesn’t apologize, it won’t bother me because maybe that will mean that Jimmy and Jackson won’t be friends. And if Jackson chooses to never play with Jimmy again, that won’t bother me one bit either.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
